A powerful essay that will resonate with many trans people. Sam, you are amazing!
I was ashamed.
I was so ashamed of being transgender that I held out for years, thinking if I waited long enough, this part of myself would retreat into the dark spot of my mind – the trapdoor where all the bad memories fall in and disappear.
When the gender therapist asks me why I waited until now to start testosterone, I want so badly to explain that I didn’t think I would need it – I had the headstone picked out, the flowers – because I believed that this part of me would die quietly if I was good, if I was patient, if I was persistent.
With my hands over my ears, I shook my head when friends used to ask, “But can you imagine if things stayed the same?”
I threw blankets over mirrors…
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