Masturbation Message Nonsense From My Childhood Part One

The first part of this revelatory series on how repressive messages about sexuality negatively affected my youth…

Fairy JerBear's Queer/Trans Musings From The City Different - Santa Fe, NM

My former church, as I was growing up, had some negative things to say about masturbation largely because of the writings of the Seventh-Day Adventist “prophetess” Ellen White. But first a humorous story.

Like most boys I discovered masturbation around puberty. I did not however know the standard technique. I had discovered an alternative method, namely pillow humping. So I was in a pup tent and somehow we started talking about masturbation. He said let’s do it now and I agreed. I tried to find a way of discretely humping my pillow but was confused at the sounds coming from my friend. You know the “faping” sound that resulted in the current slang for masturbation “fap.”

I was confused and tried to figure out what he was doing to his penis to make that sound. I tried clapping my penis but that didn’t work. Meanwhile my friend was approaching climax…

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Masturbation Message Nonsense From My Childhood Part Two

The second part of this revelatory series on how repressive messages about sexuality negatively affected my youth…

Fairy JerBear's Queer/Trans Musings From The City Different - Santa Fe, NM

Where did Ellen White get her ideas about masturbation. Well one of the people was Sylvester Graham developer of the cracker that bears his name and John Harvey Kellogg, brother of the cereal company founder. Both had a dim view of masturbation as this excerpt from a no longer available but excellent article, Porn Flakes by Carrie McLaren , describes

As a rule, there’s often more to folk wisdom than bad science, and so it is with myths about masturbation and other aspects of sexuality. In America, a peculiar flowering of these myths took place in the 19th century. Though the predictable culprits — Victorian prudery, evangelical Christianity, entrepreneuriallism — are part of the picture, what’s less known is the the myths’ century-old relationship with whole-grain foodstuffs. Thanks to certain influential health advocates, sex and diet were inexorably linked, and, for both, healthy meant bland.

The souvenirs of these…

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Science doesn’t support the sex binary | Justin Dennis

Here are the links that accompany Justin’s video:

Sex isn’t a simple binary. It’s not just male or female. So let’s talk about what intersex is, how common it is to be intersex, and why the differences between “male” and “female” aren’t as large as we’re led to believe.

Pidgeon’s Twitter:

How many genders are there:

Buzzfeed on what it’s like to be intersex:

0.05% to 1.7% of people are intersex:

Other estimates say 1 in 100 people are intersex:

70-year-old man with uterus:

46-year-old woman with XX and XY chromosomes:;jsessionid=F38747026D881A34BBDAEE71FA4D4009.f02t03

Sex redefined:

Sex is a social construct:

What is intersex:

Sex Itself, the search for male and female in the human genome:

The history of “sex chromosomes” and excerpts from Sex Itself:

Study finds that intersex surgery on infants is harmful:

Should doctors operate on intersex babies:

UN says intersex surgeries on babies are a human rights violation:

Intersex Society of North America on intersex surgeries:

Should we “fix” intersex children:

Non-XX/YY combinations:

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Lean On Me – Bill Withers

This song from my youth goes out to all of my trans brothers and sisters, non-binary friends I know or haven’t met yet and everyone challenging gender norms. In me, you have someone to lean on.

Lean on Me – Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can’t carry
I’m right up the road, I’ll share your load
If you just call me

Call me (If you need a friend)
Call me (Call me uh-huh)
Call me (When you need a friend)
Call me (If you ever need a friend)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (If you need a friend)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (Call me)
Call me

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Coming Out Again (part two) – Originally Posted to Facebook 

imageOn my birthday last year I came out as trans and agender, ( but I am not sure everyone saw it. I want to briefly give a breakdown of events in my life that led to this decision.

In the fall of 1975 I came out to my first person. Kevin was a wonderful flaming gay youth of 17 or 18 and a fellow first year student. Unfortunately the negative pressure on him from church (Seventh-Day Adventist) and family led to him committing suicide over the Winter break. This led to some sadness and panic on my part and I fled back into the closet for over a decade.

In February of 1987 I came out as gay and ran into a former schoolmate from college at a local bar. Turns out he was afraid I’d catch him in action with another guy while he was fooling around with a guy in a room I supervised as an RA in the men’s dorm. I also ran into a cop who’d taken a shine on me while I was a college student earning money as campus security. I used to ride along with him on his patrols and in retrospect dropped some hints including a night in his bed which I now realize must have been very frustrating for him as nothing happened.

As 1987 rolled on I gained more and more friends in the LGBTQ community and stormed out of the closet. I attended gay pride in Boston and on October 11, 1987 I was in Washington, D.C. for the March on Washington for LG Rights (no b, t or q yet). I also saw the first display of the Names Project AIDS Memorial Quilt. I was volunteering at AIDS Project Worcester and when an opening for Client Advocate and Gay Outreach Coordinator became available I applied and got the position.

All the while gender was an unresolved issue for me. I was really influenced by Rev. Jay Deacon at the Unitarian Universalist LGBT office in Boston who came out and spoke at the UU Church in Worcester soon after being arrested at a protest at the Supreme Court over the then decision upholding Sodomy laws. Jay talked about how we were a special people who were between male and female and used Harry Hay’s philosophy that was the founding basis for the Radical Faeries which mixed in gender bending with queer sexuality. This seemed to be a fit for me at the time but because I was busy I didn’t explore it as much as I should have.

Over the years I became friends with several transgender people but always from the more binary trans model (trans men and trans women). Over time as I moved to New Mexico and got acquainted with transgender First Nations people I became aware that there was a tradition of multiple genders among some Indigenous Peoples.

Finally a few things happened. A neighbor came out as genderqueer but it didn’t quite click as I only saw it among people assigned female at birth. All that changed with a news story. In 2013 a high school student, (Sasha), who was assigned male at birth but now identified as agender, was riding home on a bus when a young man set Sasha’s skirt on fire which sent them to the hospital with severe burns. The news made national headlines and opened up many people’s eyes to trans identities that were between or beyond gender.

I researched online and poured over posts on Tumblr and other blogging platforms. The more I read the more I realized this is what I’d been searching for all my life. After much thought I decided that I was agender. I had never felt particularly male or female. Yes I could act like a guy but I didn’t feel like a guy. The confusion for me was that I didn’t feel completely female either. I felt like neither male or female and so realized I was in fact agender which falls under the umbrella term genderqueer.

I have been openly agender/genderqueer for over a year and a half. I am now a proud part of the Trans community here in Santa Fe as well as in New Mexico. I chronicled my gender journey on my blogs and

I had my story featured on the New York Times Website and reproduced here on my blog, (, and participated on a panel with other trans people. I feel completely at home in the Trans community which welcomes me and other non-binary trans people (besides agender there are quite a few other non-binary identities such as bigender, polygender, neutrosis, or just genderqueer).

I love the liberation I feel as an agender person. I can live my life unencumbered by the restrictions of gender. I love wearing skirts and knee high socks or leggings with a colorful or message t-shirt. I like to say I feel beyond gender. I am not bound by gender roles and norms. I lean a bit femme in my gender expression at least I do when I feel safe. I feel free from the toxic masculinity that sometimes had me ensnared. I can be as kind, empathetic and gentle as I feel with those around me. I’m blazing a new trail as an trans agender fairy care bear. I love my trans brothers and sisters and my fellow non-binary/genderqueer friends.

My community is now in the bullseye for the radical right. They are using the bathroom issue to try and demonize my community. I support the right of my trans women and trans men friends to use the restroom that aligns with their gender. Me and other non-binary/genderqueer people really need gender neutral restrooms to feel safe. So here in Santa Fe we have an ordinance that requires all single stall restrooms to be gender neutral. All we want is to pee in peace without being hassled. Is that too much to ask?

I’m happy to answer questions but will not allow people to heap negative, transphobic comments upon me. I am the same person I was just new and improved. Now you know a trans/agender person. I feel so much better being my authentic self. I hope you feel the same way about me.

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Sarah Ditum – not “gender critical” enough

A well reasoned dismantling of one of the Trans community’s most troubling critics…

A Feminist Challenging Transphobia

Sarah Ditum’s article in the New Statesman this week is very clever. I’m not going to link to it – New Statesman knows well enough that publishing Ditum’s ongoing campaign against my community will always attract a lot of traffic to its site – drawn by the inevitable controversy that follows.

This is business, make no mistake, and if the trans community gets hurt and make a fuss, well that will be good for business too.

Sadly, folks don’t read enough articles written by actual trans people to see through the holes in Ditum’s arguments, and this latest article in particular reads to the ignorant as being very comprehensive, reasonable and balanced. So, for those who have already read it and been taken in, here’s what’s wrong with it. For those who have not read it – don’t bother, it adds nothing new whatsoever to the feminist conversation and is in…

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Trans and HIV-positive: It’s time to make our case

A very important topic…

The Queerness

Trans activist Juno Roche writes for The Queerness on the myriad issues associated with being a trans woman and HIV-positive.

It’s all about the numbers.

It’s quite lonely being a campaigner (if that’s what I am) who focuses on what it means to be trans and HIV-positive. It’s lonely because not many people want to engage with me or other trans women who are HIV-positive.

When my focus was on ‘education and trans identities’, people were queuing up to talk and work with me.

People sometimes say, ‘It’s great what you’re doing’, but by private message, I know the stigma of HIV is alive and kicking.

I’m currently trying to carry out some simple research about trans sex lives and safe sex provision and it’s almost like if people agree to talk to me then they have an association with HIV.

It reminds me of people worrying, in years gone…

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What does an ally look like?

A nice piece about our allies…

The Queerness

As the world marks IDAHOBIT Karen Pollock explores what being an ally actually means, in a world where so often its used as a term of abuse or derision.

I got into conversation with someone about IDAHOBIT (International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia) yesterday, and they did a visible eyeroll as they dismissed it as a day for allies to feel good about themselves. Trying to redefine the A in LGBTQAI as ally – erasing agender, aromantic and asexual people in the process – is more than an urban legend, and must be resisted. I think we all collectively rolled our eyes when “Celebrity straight ally” was trotted out at the British LGBT awards, an event so far from the lives of ordinary LGBTQ+ people that it might as well have taken place on the moon.

However, it is the case that LGBTQ+ folk are outnumbered by cis…

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Why We Fight – United Nations Free and Equal Campaign

On this International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia, (and I’d add Non-Binary Erasure) the UN Free and Equal Campaign put together this wonderful video made up of submissions from around the world. Enjoy!

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Saikaku’s Edo-era tales of gay samurai love reimagined for a modern audience as Boys Love manga

Queer. Love in zero-era Japan reimagined…


Samurai_kissSaucy Edo-period literature is being brought into the modern era as gay manga.

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Meet My Child: Parents of Trandgender Children Speak Up

In light of the recent rise of anti-LGBT bills, the Trans United Fund has released a new ad, “Meet My Child,” that centers around the experiences of transgender youth and their families, who are calling on American politicians to get to know their trans families before continuing to legislate against them. 

“Meey My Child” features transgender children and their parents in their daily life, playing basketball and helping out in the kitchen. With honest discussions from the parents about their families’ journey towards accepting their children’s trans identities, this video both educates the audience what being transgender means and raises awareness about trans families’ lived realities.


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Toilet transphobia: sexual assault is not your weapon to wield

A powerful post by the survivor of sexual assault on why it’s offensive to appropriate sexual assault fears to justify overt discrimination against trans people…

The Queerness

In this deeply personal article, a guest writer and survivor of sexual violence objects to the appropriation of sexual assault to deny trans people their basic human rights.

*Content Note: This article contains a description of sexual assault, with references to sexual violence throughout.

Two years ago, I went into the toilets of a bar. When I emerged 10 minutes later, my life had been turned upside down. A bang to the head with the cubicle door and a knife to the throat was all it took to overpower me. The road to emotional recovery has been rocky, to say the least. Anti-depressants and counselling have become a part of life. I have self-harmed and come frighteningly close to ending it all. Thankfully, I am starting to see light at the end of the very long tunnel.

Here’s the thing, though. I am a cisgender gay man. I was attacked by…

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Atheism and Feminism from a Non-Binary Vlogger

As someone who is also, genderqueer (agender in my case), feminist and atheist this video, from Justin, reflects the way I feel. If you do not yet subscribe to her video feed, I urge you to consider it.Justin is a wonderful vlogger with a perspective I find refreshing.

Here’s Justin’s wonderful video about being non-binary, in case you missed a previous post I made featuring this video…

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Watch over 20 drones dance in unison with a trio of shamisen players in front of Fuji【Video】



instaSynchronized blinking drones, Mt. Fuji, and tsugaru-jamisen make for one of the most gorgeous videos we’ve ever seen!

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The LGBTQ+ news round-up: 1 May 2016

This week’s LGBTQ news roundup from The Queerness…

The Queerness

In one of the most tragic weeks of 2016 Tom Ana shares some of the important news stories from the last 7 days that you might have missed. Happy May Day!

Two men, including a leading equality campaigner and editor of Bangladesh’s only LGBTQ+ magazine, were killed in a violent attack in Dhaka this Monday. Xulhaz Mannan, who edited the magazine Roopbaan, was murdered at his home by attackers claiming to represent Daesh (Islamic State). The attack is the latest in growing sectarian violence targeting religious and sexual minorities that have included attacks on foreign aid workers and secular bloggers.

A court in Giza, Egypt, has sentenced 11 men to up to 12 years prison time for being homosexual. Although homosexuality is not explicitly outlawed in Egypt LGBTQ+ minorities have formerly been persecuted through various laws on ‘debauchery’ and vice.

The Isle of Man has become the latest region in the…

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Parents abandon him for being gay; what happens next is too common. – YouTube

Every day, young people like this boy are abandoned by their parents simply because they’re lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans or queer. What many of them experience on the streets is horrible. Fortunately, there is help.

“Any Given Tuesday,” written & directed by Trent Kendrick
Featuring Sir Elton John, Jamie Foxx, James Woods, Lisa Ling, David Furnish and Lisa VanDerPump

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Rejoice! Anime about boys who love Boys’ Love coming this summer!

This should be interesting…


news_xlarge_fudanshi_key1Because fujoshi aren’t the only ones who enjoy watching boys getting it on. Finally, some love for fudanshi!

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Intersex Bodies are Not an error: My Intersex Story, and the stories of so many others.

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The LGBTQ+ news round-up: 24 April 2016

LGBTQ news from the past week…

The Queerness

In the latest edition of The Queerness’ global news round-up Tom Ana shares the most important stories from the last 7 days.

Australian telecoms giant Telstra reaffirmed their support of same-sex marriage following a flip-flop in their stance late last week. The company initially stated they would remove their support for same-sex marriage campaigners following threats of a boycott by conservative religious groups. The decision however sparked outrage among Australia’s pro-equality community, leading to the company this week stating that they would remain in the pro-equality camp.

Also in Australia, national IVF business the City Fertility Clinic this week announced the launch of four fertility clinics specifically aimed at LGBTQ+ families and couples. The company stated that the Rainbow Fertility units would open later this year in New South Wales, Victoria, Queensland and South Australia. The clinics will be the first of their kind in the country offering IVF and…

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We Have Wellness News For You Every Week – Check Us Out!

A roundup of the latest LGBTQ health news…

LGBT HealthLink, The Network for Health Equity

How to Come Out (To Your Doctor)

Bustle provides 9 handy steps for coming out to your doctor, whether you’re queer, poly, or a sex worker. Big takeaway? Try to check if your provider is welcoming before you arrive.


American Cancer Society Outlines Their LGBT Plans

The American Cancer Society recently outlined their strategy for addressing cancer disparities in the LGBT communities. Examples of their activities? Including an LGBT focus in their newly established tobacco control center; collecting LGB (no T) data in their newest wave of the large scale Cancer Prevention Study; and funding over $3M in LGBT research since 2003.

Delinquency Differs By Sexual Orientation

A new longitudinal study looked at violent and non-violent delinquent behaviors by sexual orientation and gender. Bisexuals had the highest levels of delinquency when compared to both heterosexuals and gays/lesbians. Straight men were more delinquent than gay men but lesbians were more…

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